The Washington Post
02/07/1999

New York Daily News reporter Denene Millner, who scored a Blackboard bestseller with The Sistah's Rules, enlists her husband, Newark Star-Ledger reporter Nick Chiles, for What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know: The Real Deal on Love & Relationships (Quill, $10 paperback). The book is a dialogue that tries and succeeds at helping to bring brothers and sisters together on this planet. "We think that one of the most important things we can do as two black people in love [is talk]," they write. And that's exactly what they do in this funny and frank relationship survival guide. Billed as an African-American version of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, their book will strike a chord with fans of Howard Hawks movies, where men and women meet, banter, battle, then fall hopelessly in love. Millner and Chiles walk the relationship walk, and talk straight talk, without abandoning Millner's core audience.

She Says: "Why are we sistahs tagged as gold diggers just because we'd like our men to be paid?"

He Says: "Are women more willing to tolerate pain and heartache from a man who has money?"

Readers will wonder why the authors don't share any challenges that they might have had to overcome in their own relationships, but overall this book is an honest look at relationships from a fresh perspective.

The Wall Street Journal
02/03/1999

To promote books to an African-American audience, some experienced authors and publishers recommend finding a gimmick because traditional marketing tactics often miss the mark.

Denene Millner and her husband, Nick Chiles, plan to push their new book, "What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know," published by William Morrow & Co., with a multicity series of parties starting this month in New York. They figure black singles and couples will mingle, play games like "The Dating Game" and talk about relationships with them.

The two believe reaching the young professional black "grapevine" is the most efficient route to the "Blackboard," a list of top-selling black-oriented books that appears in Essence magazine and usually generates additional sales. "We're trying to draw people who might not necessarily go to a signing or a book store but will go to a party," Mr. Chiles says.

To boost "Just Between Girlfriends," a celebration of black female friendships published by Simon & Schuster, author Chrisena Coleman organized a getaway weekend in the Bahamas for "200 of my closest girlfriends" with backing from such corporate sponsors as Tommy Hilfiger.

One World Books distributed more than 10,000 "samplers" of book chapters to a list of over 1,000 black beauty parlors to pump the romantic novels "Waiting in Vain" and "Gingersnaps" last summer. Cheryl Woodruff, associate publisher of the Ballantine African-American imprint, was responsible for the approach. She cites a recent Gallup survey that found African-Americans buy 39.7 million books a quarter and tend to be college-educated women. Waiting in Vain has now sold 25,000 copies in hardcover. Gingersnaps has sold 22,000 and recently made the "Blackboard" list.

Ms. Millner experienced the shortcomings of traditional marketing when she was promoting her first book, a semi-satirical romance guide for African-American women called "The Sistahs' Rules." Last Valentine's Day, she recalls, she was booked "on a radio show with a woman who thought she was the female Howard Stern" and spent the segment making anatomy jokes and eliciting Ms. Millner's feelings about O.J. Simpson and white women.

"I was just infuriated," Ms. Millner says. "It was obvious these people had no idea what I'd written." Though her book eventually sold a respectable 70,000 trade-paperback copies, she believes it would have done better if her publisher had paid more attention to details like booking her on the black-oriented New York station WBLS on Valentine's Day to talk about real relationships.

Mr. Chiles says he realizes that authors of all colors are left on their own, and everyone has a tough time getting an audience for traditional book promotions. But, he says, "what works for white authors won't necessarily work for us. You have to make sure they aren't putting you on radio shows where you hear the Beach Boys playing before the interview starts."

Chicago Sun-Times
01/03/1999

Have you ever wondered what is really on your man's mind?

When he shuts down like a bump on a log, does it mean he's tired of the relationship or just tired? And when you go out knowing you're all that, and he sits around scowling, does it mean you're skirts too tight or not tight enough?

There are questions that even your lover, homey and friend won't answer. Men really don't talk about ex-lovers or why, no matter how fine their woman is, they still have to give some other woman that look.

Even a husband might find it hard to talk about his fear of aging or worse yet, watching you get old? And when was the last time you sat down with your man or lady and really talked over money and career issues without someone ending up with a tight lip?

If it was last night, then good for you. But often the closest relationships stumble over communications.

"What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know" by Denene Millner author of "The Sistah's Rules", and her husband, Nick Chiles, attempts to get some frank dialogue going about love in the '90s.

Their book reminded me that you really have to do more than keep your wedding vows if you want a happy and satisfying marriage. By the time I put down Millner; Chiles's book, I had a long "To Do" list.

Written in a She said; He said format, the book takes an honest look at the inner workings of relationships. Millner and Chiles talk openly about the misunderstandings between the sexes that can drain love right out of a marriage.

For the most part, they share their opinions without getting on your nerves. Their back and forth banter is often funny, but still makes you stop and think about your own marriage.

In fact, I'm giving a copy of the book to my sons and daughter-in-laws. Because, let's face it. Many of us are so busy juggling the career, family, and personal goals that we forget to actually work on our love relationships.

Some marriages are drying out like neglected houseplants. That's not good. We've got too much work to do. There's no way we can rebuild our communities, take care of our generational responsibilities, and pass on a better world to our children if we allow our marriages to fall apart.

I'm not talking about unions that are in serious dysfunction because of drugs, alcohol, domestic violence and other major problems, but marriages that die in a rut.

For example, She writes:

"Used to rush home from work and set candles up all around the house and turn on that Maxwell cee-dee nice and soft and low and slip into that new, stringy nightie I bought just for this occasion...Now? Flannel, knee-length jersey nightie, socks with pom-poms, slippers, curlers, night cream and a magazine...Can you say Rut...The Rut that can lead you to think that everything is hunky dory and then - - kapow! The relationship is flushing right down the toilet."

He writes:

"Our ladies can do us a gigantic favor if they help us out of our ruts...by suggesting new and interesting activities that they might want to try...We don't get into ruts on purpose. We get there because it doesn't occur to us that a rut has developed. We think of it as familiarity, and it makes us smile. Our women think of it as boring, and they grimace. Admittedly, we need some help."

That kind of exchange between a lot of husbands and wives usually doesn't happen. Instead an argument breaks out about who's responsible for the rut in the first place.

On the subject of weight, husbands usually try not to hurt our feelings, which means many of us keep eating until he stops looking. But Chiles reminds us that whether men say it or not, looks do matter a lot.

"As for the fat, we understand that it's going to come," Chiles writes. "Lord knows we are grappling with the same monster ourselves in the belly area. But if it looks like you've thrown in the towel and given in to the monster, that's when we become concerned. That means eating all that fattening, greasy food every other day of the week without fitting any perspiration-inducing activities into the schedule."

His wife talks just as bluntly about why some women aren't ready for sex as often as some men think they ought to be.

"We're preoccupied with work, the kids, Mom's illness, Daddy's bills, our bills, more work. And all of that tends to get us a bit, well, distracted. At the end of a long, hard day at the office and a long, hard day on the homefront - sorry we're not thinking about getting it on. We're thinking about sleep."

Of course, nothing in "What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know" will save someone's marriage. But their frank conversation on this important topic inspired me to try a little harder.

Gannett News Service
04/15/1999

It's that time of the year, again. Spring. Mating season. Love is in the air, lilies are in bloom and you might finally catch the eye of a special someone.

If you were unsuccessful last year remember there's hope for those of you who don't know how to communicate with the opposite sex.

In their book, " What Brothers Think , What Sistahs Know ," writers Denene Millner (author of "Sistahs' Rules: Secrets for Meeting, Getting and Keeping a Good black Man") and Nick Chiles , her husband (they married following publication of "Sistahs' Rules"), explore the ever complicated world of male-female relationships between African Americans. Millner and Chiles - both journalists - offer a fun, though very generalized, take on three stages of being coupled: dating, development of the relationship and marriage.

The book is divided into three sections, addressing specific subtopics within each stage that make it easy for readers to find their niche. The book reads more like a conversation between the two writers, rather than your usual self-help books.

Each chapter actually is set up as a question that Millner and Chiles address from the viewpoint of his or her gender. For example, Chapter 3 asks, "How much does appearance really count?" when it comes to having a chance with the opposite sex. The presumptive perspective from a "Sistah" is little or not at all, says Millner. "For us, it's personality," she writes, claiming that women want to be with a man who is sweet, kind, gentle and honest. "He may not be the cutest thing on this earth, but we'll treat him like gold if he's got all that other stuff going for him."

However, Millner contends that unless women look like Vanessa Williams or some other celebrity flavor-of-the-month, they can forget about men making any type of overture that may be interpreted as being asked out. Simply put: Brothers don't like average.

Chiles' perspective on this subject, and others throughout the book, is pointed and often brash. "Don't front, dearie; everybody harps on appearance. We're just less willing to look past it than you females are, that's all," he says to the "Sistah." "We know beauty when we see it, and we want to look at it, and touch it and kiss it and be around it as much as we possibly can. We will go to far extremes to surround ourselves with beauty..." he writes.

But Chiles asserts also that men don't go about their decision-making on this or any of the other subjects haphazardly. "If we think the beauty is clearly out of our league, we're going to go for the plain to avoid embarrassment and unpleasant scenes. We're going to seek someone closer to our own level. Unfortunately, many of us don't have an accurate reading of what our level is."

At 302 pages, "What Brothers Think , What Sistahs Know", is a fun and quick read. While it's the authors' intent to shed light on what men and women think about one another and why they engage in a particular behavior around each other, many of the examples used are stereotypical and might do more to hurt already strained relationships rather than heal them.

The book is geared toward black people, but anyone who is single, coupled, or otherwise baffled about the stated and understated language of the opposite sex often will find something to chuckle about as well as remind them of their own experiences with the opposite sex.

Denver Rocky Mountain News
02/17/1999

The brother says of course appearance counts.

The sistah says men are way too shallow about looks.

He wonders why black women are so angry.

She says black men take things way too personally.

Nick Chiles and Denene Millner are the married authors of What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know - The Real Deal on Love and Relationships (Quill, $10).

"I was obviously outnumbered in the room when they came up with the title," joked Chiles.

Originally, the book was to be a male perspective on relationships with Millner, author of The Sistahs' Rules, posing questions to Chiles.

"I told them there wasn't a black woman in the world who was going to pick up that book," said Millner.

What evolved is a smart, sassy and insightful he says / she says dialogue on 30 relationship topics. Although written from black perspective, their takes on the tensions and conflicts between the sexes transcend race and are often laugh-out-loud funny. Millner on nightclub gropers: "Had the two of you been naked, you'd have left the dance floor eight weeks pregnant."

"Black men and black women are carrying around a lot of pain," said Chiles, a reporter for The (Newark) Star-Ledger. "There is a lot of strife and conflict between the sexes. A lot of women feel men aren't respecting them and when they get into relationshi at it, and touch it and kiss it and be around it as much as we possibly can. We will go to far extremes to surround ourselves with beauty..." he writes.

But Chiles asserts also that men don't go about their decision-making on this or any of the other subjects haphazardly. "If we think the beauty is clearly out of our league, we're going to go for the plain to avoid embarrassment and unpleasant scenes. We're going to seek someone closer to our own level. Unfortunately, many of us don't have an accurate reading of what our level is."

At 302 pages, "What Brothers Think , What Sistahs Know", is a fun and quick read. While it's the authors' intent to shed light on what men and women think about one another and why they engage in a particular behavior around each other, many of the examples used are stereotypical and might do more to hurt already strained relationships rather than heal them.

The book is geared toward black people, but anyone who is single, coupled, or otherwise baffled about the stated and understated language of the opposite sex often will find something to chuckle about as wected: 'Why am I back here every Saturday night, giving my $10 to stand against the wall and feel ignored?' But we still do it."

Chiles agrees: "It's pretty bleak, but it almost shocks me to hear the women say they're ignored, because it seems like all the guys are doing is focusing on the women in the club, locking in on which one would I ask to dance.

"We have the same kind of nightmares trying to come up with the good line, the opening that sets you apart from the other poor saps. The women can summarily and easily toss us aside and hurt our feelings. I don't think I'm a bad-looking guy. I can put a sentence together, but I'd go out there and try to figure out why she said 'No' to me."

How much do / should looks count? Chiles says personality is the international code word for "ugly."

"We're way more forgiving about appearance," countered Millner. "He could be ugly, but if he's a nice guy, we'll make that exception and go on and date him. Do you know how many nice, beautiful sisters you're passing up?"

Chiles: "Appearance is huge and as much as women think these other things are so important, when it comes down to it in a guy's head, they're not."

They devote a long chapter to black men who date white women.

"If you're a black woman walking down the street and you see a black man with a white woman, it's always going to cross your mind: 'Why is he with her? Does he have issues? Low self-esteem? Not like his mama? What made him walk away from black women to date this white girl?'" said Millner.

"Nobody will ever understand what it's like to be a black woman growing up in this society and getting the message that a wide nose, thick lips and a big butt aren't beautiful and then have it validated by your own. It's difficult to get over that. It takes a strong person."

Chiles said that while he "can intellectually make an argument for black men dating white women, it's something that I never felt comfortable around, perhaps because of my years of being raised by black women. Our community is going through such strain and strife that we would be better off if we had more and stronger black families."

Writing the book together, they said, was healthy and fun.

"That doesn't mean it didn't get dicey once in a while," said Millner. "But Nick said something to a Philadelphia radio audience that was so beautiful. He said that if you're a man with problems and you're trying to deal with the stress of daily life, that the best thing to do is get a woman because she'll be the one to lift you up. I thought that was the sweestest thing, and I wish more men felt that way."

The Washington Post
1999

Denene Millner steps up to the podium and issues a challenge: "How many ladies in the room have received flowers from a man?"

Audible whispers spill from the crowd of mostly women and a few men who came to the Oxon Hill Library on a recent Friday night to get some wisdom on love, romance and dating. Millner and her husband, Nick Chiles, were ready with answers, reading from their recently released book, "What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know: The Real Deal on Love and Relationships."

"Okay," she says. She understood where the women were coming from. In the silence, they--the women in the audience--knew where she was going and they were willing to go there with her.

"How many have received flowers over and over and over and over, like that's the only thing he can send?"

The women in the audience burst into giggles.

"Well, this chapter is dedicated to y'all," Millner says, turning to Page 264.

"The brother's been teasing her all day long--done told her that this evening will be unlike any other she's ever experienced before. 'Just wait, baby--a night you will not forget,' he coos into the phone. Every hair on her neck stands on end; she's writhing in her seat, running the white hanky across her brow."

The women in the audience are bursting with laughter. Millner continues reading.

"She's already pictured the scene: He will show up in a beautiful tailored suit, smelling like Cold Water, a beautiful bouquet of roses peeking from behind his back. He will gingerly place her hand in his and lead her to the ride--open the door for her, and close it behind her, too--and whisk her away to a romantic moonlit picnic on the boardwalk, overlooking the water and the magnificent city skyline. . . . And then 8 p.m. rolls around, and homeboy rings her doorbell and he's standing there on her doorstep with a bucket of Kentucky Fried and a six-pack of Heineken and Terminator I and II and a big--grin. 'Girl, don't tell me I don't know how to plan a romantic evening!' he charges as he pushes his way over to the living room and plops his greasy, dusty sneaker-and-jean clad butt on her good couch. 'Where's the remote?' "

In the book, Millner and Chiles go back and forth in their hip-hop, step-by-step guide to dating and relationships. Millner and Chiles delve deep inside the minds of black men and women, interpreting and translating the gestures, revealing the meaning of the dance in the dating game. "Readers get the real deal on: the perfect date; why brothers think all sistahs are angry; why many men would run down Michael Johnson to escape commitment."

Millner is a reporter for the New York Daily News, and Chiles is a reporter for the Star-Ledger in New Jersey. In 1997, Millner wrote the best-selling book "The Sistahs' Rules: Secrets for Meeting, Getting and Keeping a Good Black Man."

"The book just took off," said Sharyn Rosenblum, director of publicity at William Morrow & Co., which published both books. Rosenblum said that "'What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know' takes 'The Rules' one step further. Now you are in a relationship, now what do you really do?"

Millner and Chiles said that when they wrote the book, they wrote in different rooms and the walls served as buffers. "Sometimes it got a little salty," Millner said, "but we realized what we wrote were opinions. Whether you agree with it or not, it is your opinion. It's a tool for understanding."

In their book, they begin with a disclaimer: "We'd first lis dedicated to y'all," Millner says, turning to Page 264.

"The brother's been teasing her all day long--done told her that this evening will be unlike any other she's ever experienced before. 'Just wait, baby--a night you will not forget,' he coos into the phone. Every hair on her neck stands on end; she's writhing in her seat, running the white hanky across her brow."

The women in the audience are bursting with laughter. Millner continues reading.

"She's already pictured the scene: He will show up in a beautiful tailored suit, smelling like Cold Water, a beautiful bouquet of roses peeking from behind his back. He will gingerly place her hand in his and lead her to the ride--open the door for her, and close it behind her, too--and whisk her away to a romantic moonlit picnic on the boardwalk, overlooking the water and the magnificent city skyline. . . . And then 8 p.m. rolls around, and homeboy rings her doorbell and he's standing there on her doorstep with a bucket of Kentucky Fried and a six-pack of Heineken and Terminator I and II and a big--grin. %2'Girl, don't tell me I de few lessons that the world has bothered to pass along to us on what qualifies as romance."

From Chiles's perspective, romance is different depending on the man and different depending on his woman.

"While sandwiches and a picnic basket might make us James Bond--smooth in the eyes of one cutie, another might not think the word 'romance' should even be used until we spend half the total of our paycheck. So with these wires crossing in our heads about even the basic definition of romance, we are sometimes a little paralyzed and unsure of what to do. For many of us, our idea of romance comes from the movies or--even worse--our friends. In all likelihood, these are not the world's best role models." He concedes: "Okay, flowers not enough? How about we add some candles on the table? My friend Willie used to tell me y'all liked that. But I suspect that candles might be as played as flowers. See? From where are we supposed to find a clue?"

When Chiles and Millner finish reading, the Friday night, a prime date night, is still young.

"Any questions?" they ask. There is a silent delay in the room as women and men gather the courage to ask what they want to know. Then the questions begin flying. A woman wants to know how to go about asking a man out. A man wants to know why a woman he might like, who might like him, too, "has to run it by her sisterhood" before she accepts a date.

Millner explains why women's friends are so important: "Because after you dog us out, she's left. She is the one person who will drive over in the middle of the night and help key his car."

Once again the audience cracks up.

Maria Price Detherage, 34, a labor relations specialist with the Department of Health and Human Services, says she was moved by the reading. "They dealt with real issues, and the issues are really real; the misunderstandings and the misperceptions are real. I think guys don't have a romantic clue," she says.

Faye Powell, the young adult specialist for the library, said the night was fulfilling. She understands just what the authors are talking about. "I think what Nick said is true," Powell said. "They don't know what to do [about romance], and we don't want to tell them straight up. That's why we say, 'If you don't know me by now, you will never, never know me.' "

A woman in dark glasses raises her hand. She is preparing for Valentine's Day. She wants to know just how subtle a hint--perhaps heavy as a Cadillac--she has to drop on her man's head to let him know just what she wants. "February 14 is fast approaching," she says. "I'm already developing an attitude."

She wants to go to the Vesta concert. But she doesn't know how to tell him. "I told him I'm getting my hair done. I told him I took off work." Then she asks aloud, "Do I have to go to the Ticketron and buy the tickets myself?"

Chiles tells her to let her man know she wants to go to the concert, plain and simple. He may get it no other way.